the end of my grief...
It's about time too. It is exactly 2 months today from when we broke up and I can recognize that when I feel sad and think of him, I am not thinking of him. I miss being with someone, having someone to hold and comfort me when things are awful. When Toker (my cat) went missing a week ago, it was so hard and I was crying all the time. I missed Brendan so much and a good friend broke it down for me. What I would really be missing.. "Do you miss him now?", "NO!". I am just lonely. Now that my grieving period is over it is time to start a new chapter!
Falling in love with myself. Peeling away these layers are going to be way more painful then falling in love with another. I am not sure I ever have loved myself. At least in the way a person should to be happy and healthy. It's not so much a confidence issue, more...
Let me give you an example of a dream I have on occasion that I call my Shadowman Dreams...
"He always comes and is a dark shadow, with arms and legs and lips. I always glow when I see him and feel deep down my need. It is always an embrace, a kiss, no more. But those embraces are so heavy and slow, dark and deep, otherworldly. I feel so completely and utterly loved that I feel it overflowing. It seeps out of my mouth, nose, my eyes, like mercury, I can see it glowing from my shadowed embrace. He loves me..." -by Anna Geller on 1/18/11
That's not true..
That shadowman is me.
I realize now, after loosing my third love, these dreams are my subconscious trying to love me.
This needs to be a conscious everyday affair! But how? I honestly do not know... Shouldn't this be an instinctive thing.. no... it is a nurture not a nature... why have I never learned until now, when I am 4 and 20 years?!
I close the chapter in my life that was Brendan. I open a new chapter..
Now I devote this blog to exploring myself. My true love. My shadowman... Me.
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