Resolutions

2011 New Year's Resolutions


For Bear:
1. Take him for daily walks, weather permitting.
2. Feed him organic vegetables and hormone free meat and dairy.
3. Finish his playroom in the basement.
4. Take him to play pool and get dinner (he really loves it!!) every Thursday evening at BWB.
5. Take him someplace special after school once a week like for an event or playtime at the Nature Center.
6. Send him to spend time with his dad regularly.
7. Tell him I love him all the time and give him lots of hugs and kisses!


For Me:
1. Get in shape, I need to maintain a healthy diet combined with cardio and strength training so I will be on my game by the time I get to the academy in a few years.
2. Cook for the family 4 times a week.
3. Rearrange my room with my new bed, hang all the pictures and all sconces and ceramics and put down the finishing coats of floor paint in my closets.
4. Pack my plate responsibly, everyone has a plate above their head, where they try to balance their daily responsibilities, needs and wants of not only themselves but others they care about. This year I had a really hard time balancing everything, I let myself get pushed off my plate and I fell into sickness and exhaustion for approximatively 2 months. I discovered the best way of coping was figuring out how much room you have on your plate and planning what your going to put on it. So I had a list that I put in my mind by priority and I'm going to figure that list out at the beginning of every week. And I'm always going to keep myself and Bear at the top of that list. You know you should always keep yourself above all others but as a mom I can't do that, his needs come first, of course if I will be less grumpy with a shower I'm gonna go with that even if he doesn't like it.
5. Continue to get straight As and complete at least 33credits this year. I will do that by refining the system I used last year, which was always doing the reading before class, take messy quick notes in class then rewriting those within 24hrs to memorize the information, then doing my thorough study guides before every exam. Making research plans for papers and projects. Writing everyday for papers not just in one sitting. Taking advantage of the libraries.
6. Have a hobby. I am thinking of motorcycling, so I will try to find people and friends and go on rides with them and learn about them. I am saving up money for a cruiser, insurance, helmet and lessons I need to take to get a license, and of course the license.
7. Do well in my new pet-sitting gig I got for the new year, have to let out a couple dogs in the neighborhood every afternoon to pee and have some hugs and treats. Hopefully the word of mouth on the listserv will get me more gigs. The extra income could help me maintain payments on motorcycle insurance.
8. I'm blushing while writing this but I think writing it will help. I will shave my shit everyday and lotion up and look nice not for any boyfriend, not for meeting someone, just for me, all for me, treat myself special and beautiful because I love myself.
9. Keep with my no relationship policy 6 months from my breakup with Brendan. Doesn't include dates and flings for fun, you know a girl needs to have a good time.


Well think that's plenty to do for the new year, think I'll revise this at the end of every month.


Happy new years!!!

Pros and Cons (minus the feeling part)

Pros

• Good company.
• The most kind person I ever met.
• Funny as hell.
• Very adaptable to my moods.
• On the right tract in a set career.
• Passionate in hobbies, career, things he loves.
• Nice car.
• Handy man, mechanic, can fix anything.
• Tunes into me, and tries to make me happy.
• My preferable tall, dark and handsome.
• Good teeth, beautiful hazel eyes, thick.
• Sweet as sugar.
• Goofy and young spirited.
• Smart when he chooses to be.
• Sticks to true friends and is incredibly loyal.
• Tries his best to stay connected to his family.
• Loves the country.
• Always takes the back roads.
• Very independent with money and living situations.

Cons

• Immature in relationship experience and all that entails.
• Not intellectuality stimulating.
• Doesn't find some of the partner's core traits acceptable.
• Is unsure of new places and situations.
• Things he wants to do become autonomous.
• Avoids the reality of situations.
• Smokes way to much pot, uses it to avoid feeling intense emotions such as anger.
• Unmotivated to complete school and think about future.
• Is not honest with feelings with partner.
• Broke my trust and heart by dumping me.
• Did not pull weight around home when lived with me.
• Does not understand the meaning of a close family (but thats OK).
• Does not wish to share me with my child.
• Emotionally unavailable for partner's "crises".

Jumping 6 foot fences...

I stepped into the foyer of his grandparents home. It was smoky and gray. I knew he was upstairs and ascended the short stairwell and walked into his room. We looked at each other... we embraced. It was so simple and right, felt so good to be in his arms again. I wasn't even supposed to see him, I wasn't searching this time. He kissed me and held me and drank in my green eyes. He smiled, he told me how much he had missed me. I started to cry, I couldn't believe I was here again... I was scared, terrified, I started shaking. I asked him why he didn't come and find me, I had needed him, he had broke my heart... I don't remember what he said, but most likely as dreams go it's because there was no explanation my subconscious could provide, and I don't believe there is any he could say in the waking world.

The dream shifted after we had made love and consummated whatever promises that were not said.

I wanted to show him someplace special. Apparently to me it was these sprawling graveyards and catacombs far into adjacent yellow fields. We stepped outside and I whistled for my horse. He was a stocky bay geared in a worn western saddle but no bridle. My newly reacquired love was very stern and said we could not ride him, he had a lame leg or some such. So we started walking to the graves in the distance and I saw a dark stallion bucking in the distance. I said to him, watch this! I started to sing and the stallion galloped over to me. He was mine, I kissed his soft velvety mussel. We got on him and I kicked him into a canter. As we approached the gate to the graveyard, it read, Mistaken Hills, I could see it was locked and chained. I urged my steed faster and we raced as if to break our necks on the barrier. My knees squeezed so hard and my love squeezed me too, and we hurtled over the 6 foot fence. Knocked our heads together as we landed hard. Trotting through the old dusty graves we made our way to the catacomb entrance. I got us off our black beauty and took my loves hand to go begin our adventure, I was grinning, thrilled. He looked scared to death. I laughed. The entrance loomed in front of us, it became larger with every step. Brown and dusty, with earthly symbols and lines carved up its walls as if lattice and ivy. I reached my hand and brushed it across the door, I noticed the MH was upside down. Chills took over me, replaced my skin with crawling worms. I knew I shouldn't push, I looked back at him and he was pale as a sheet an I realized the door was no longer on my hand. I turned around in slow motion and was only feet away from a half fleshed monster. No there more! I raced back to him as he rushed up to grab my hand so we could head for the horse. I tripped and fell scrapping my hands on the stone, dust flew up a became a cursed fog. My love tried to find me, but instead found a zombie behind him. The dust settled below their shoulders, I looked up and cried out as the zombie sinked what teeth were left in his exposed jaw into my loves shoulder. He looked shocked and crumpled to the floor. I was enraged! I stood up and squatted as I extended my hands out at the bastard and casted a fireball that exploded into him. We were surrounded I casted as many fireballs at our attackers as I could. But they take time, they are not like firing a gun. When I took down enough to grab him, I whistled for the horse and threw my love on the back and leaped up. I kicked that horse so damn hard we set up another fog of dust, I didn't want to know what would be behind us when it settled. The gate was coming up fast. I closed my eyes and reached to the sky and screamed, then slammed my hand back down and surged this power, my anger at the gate and blasted it open. 

I had to find a cure, I could feel him starting to quiver in my lap. I didn't know what to do.

The dream shifted again. We were in a dusty floored alley, I had found a bearded man with brown bushy hair. My love way still unconscious on my horse. The man's eyes twinkled he told me of a harp that I could find that would cure him. He took his long bony finger and drew in in the dirt. He said I would know what it was and where to find it. And I did...

The dream shifted. We were in a white room. Our horse was gone. It was me and my love. I was sitting on the floor cross legged and he was laying down in front of me with his hands placed over his chest as if sleeping. I closed my eyes again and turned the darkness behind my eyelids into a blinding light. I started to draw that harp, but with song. I sang a song so sweet and true. It sang of everything I could feel inside. To save him. I never opened my eyes. The last thing I saw before my dream ended was a black horse jumping a 6 foot fence...

Unsent Letters - Attempt at Farewell

Dear Brendan,

I'm not looking forward to going back home from PA. I know it's going to be a whirlwind of Christmas with Raven, and then it will all stop still... Then I'll have time to think about you.

I think about you everyday, sometimes several times a day. I wonder if you think about me that much too... I somehow know that is not the case. But I guess it doesn't really matter. No matter what you do, it doesn't change how you feel... Hmm.. Sigh... I'm starting to cry for the first time since we broke up.

Maybe this could be a goodbye letter.. I don't know if it will be the last, but I feel as if I need to write you goodbye, and let you go.

I was ready to try. I was ready to say yes to anything you needed that I could give you. You were not. You said no to everything I needed. Literally you said "no", then that was it, somehow a switch was flipped on you and you stopped being mine, like you were only an hour or so earlier that same night and you promised to stick together...

I am worth more then that Brendan. I wish I could of realized that when it all happened and walked away from you with my head held high and said "Oh well, to bad for you". But I loved you so much and you know I feel things very deeply. It was devastating for me Brendan... and I am not sure I can ever forgive you. Even if it was the right thing to do for both of us, and as Raven said, you were very brave to do what you did! But that doesn't change how it happened and how you dealt with the situation. You lead me on... even if you didn't realize what you were doing. It still was incredibly shocking and intensely heartbreaking. Again, I am worth more than a blow such as what you gave me. A blow from the one person I trusted to love and care for me.

And I did try. I tried and tried and tried. It is my fault for letting you live with us, rent free, for as long as you did. I cannot, I repeat I cannot, get over the fact that you dumped me 2 weeks after you moved out. When I never stopped trying to make your life more comfortable and nicer and filled it with love while you were with us... You move out and can't try for me. Thanks alot... 

I am better off.  I am worth more!!!

Goodbye

Unsent Letters - Daily Coping

Dear Brendan,
I was driving home after my last final and was so excited I started calling you without thinking... I wanted to share my joy. I miss you babe. But I don't need you, and you don't need me.
Love,
Anna

Unsent Letters - First Revelation

Dear Brendan,

I really miss you today and I'm also really angry at you and myself as well. I was relieved and disappointed when Raven told me you weren't coming to the party...

Relieved because I can't handle seeing you yet, disappointed because that was your reason too. It amazes me the one thing you have ever been sure of in the course of our relationship is this breakup, how sure you have been with not wanting to be with me anymore. I have to remind myself how good this has been for both of us. I really needed to be alone, to not have to worry about you or take care of you or be angry or disappointed with you. I knew I could still love you though... but.. love could be related to a roach and survive through a holocaust of pain and emotional beatings. But whats the point of surviving that when everything else around you is dead. For us we were becoming dead inside, to ourselves.

I loved being with you. The first 6 months, as they are apt to be, were amazing, and filled with grins and touching. 

I learned a lot from being with you. I now know to be upfront about my responsibilities in my actions. I always told you how Bear is first and foremost but spending every free minute and night with you said otherwise, when I should have been at home. I set you up for disappointment in that way, men understand actions more then words.

I also learned to not only recognize red flags but to act on them. I don't want to take back the love we had but I wish I had followed through on my instincts. I kept worrying about how young you were, how this was your first relationship and how you were going to want to go sow your wild oats and party, and I was not the girl who could do that with you. I have a dependent, my partying, staying up late days are done, and I'm fine with that, it's the space I'm in now. My issue was I thought about these things often, I talked about them, but I didn't do anything about them... But maybe it was good I didn't so you and I could have this experience and make more informed decitions in the future.

I'm not going to lie, I miss you so bad sometimes, especially when I see a Volvo, that it hurts to swallow, and I long for you. Then I get incredibly pissed off and I start inching forward to crush the bumper of that stupid Volvo. I am sad because I remember the man who loved me and always promised he would, then I am angry because apparently that was all a lie and not just to me, to yourself because you can't even understand what your feelings are telling you.

For future reference if I ever find out you dumped a girl the way you dumped me I will come and sock you in the face for being such a god damn idiot. Being a young pup won't last forever, I hope you get your shit together so when it's over your not standing in a mess like your room on Thayer.

Now that we are no longer together, I believe both of us will get on track. I am trying my hardest to do just that. I know what I want and I am going for it, for myself, Bear and our future.

I can't see a future with anyone right now... I just don't trust you guys anymore. You always let me down... Some are forthcoming about it, others, like you Brendan, are ones you blindingly trust with everything you have... and they crush you. Don't worry I picked my self up with the help of my support group and brushed my self off. I am uncrushable now and I'll be damned if I ever let what happen to us happen again!

Sincerely,

Anna

Sweetness

I wanted to give an explanation to the name of my blog about my broken heart.


It's a song...

"Peel away your skin just a little more
You can let me in just a little more
Can you taste it, I do
When you bite down on the truth
We can peel away just a little more
I'll cut you right down to your sweetness
Right to your sweetness

I know it hurts real bad to lay it open
I've tried so hard myself to make you love it
My love, my pride
I swallow you tonight
We can peel away just a little more
I'll cut you right down to your sweetness
Right to your sweetness
Peel away, peel away

Cut right down to the soul, to the center of you
I found me a home for the sinner in me
Cut down to the soul, to the center of you
I found me a home for the sinner in me
Cut down
The sinner in me

I'll eat you slow, my sweetness
You give control, my sweetness
I drink you down, my sweetness
I think I found my sweetness
my sweetness"

Sweetness by the Toadies 

Introduction

A sad tale...

Well not really. I'm sure it's in the top 5 reasons to start a blog. A breakup.

Our First and Only Valentines Day

My third relationship. His name was Brendan Stegmeier. He was a young pup, but oh was he fun. I could get him drunk off a shot and tickle him to death. He would start talking in a country voice that was so silly, and it suited his personality. I mean he raced tractors for goodness sakes. But he sure looked sexy doing it. He had the most amazing laugh, on our first date when I was really nervous, the moment he laughed it melted completely away and I joined in too. After a month I knew I loved him and he was the man for me.

Then as the months go by no surprise we start disliking the very things about each other we fell in love with in the first place. I started expecting Brendan to be someone he wasn't ready to be. I have a toddler from a previous relationship, a boy, named Bear. I wasn't expecting him to play daddy but I expected understanding and conscious planning with my busy schedule and a little guy to take care of. So you see that beautiful laugh, that carefree attitude, was what I fell in love with, but then it stopped working with the demands of my life. I love Brendan for who he is, I couldn't realize that until he left me and I could take the time to miss him and reflect back.

As you can probably tell I am not over him at all. I miss him everyday, several times a day. I love him with my whole heart and soul, but that is just the kind of lover that I am I suppose... 

He left me on November 15th this year. It's barely been over a month, and it's the holidays... that doesn't help one bit... I have felt this heavy sadness in my core ever since that day. I have been plagued with frequent nightmares involving trying to find him and never being able to. I wake up crying often. I never cry when I'm awake, unless I'm in therapy. I allow myself that.

I wanted to start a blog to help fall out of love with him and fall back in love with me. I want a healthy healing this time. My past relationships were really rough getting over, I was extremely destructive to myself and the people I care about. I already started by writing "Unsent Letters" on Facebook, at first I enjoyed that, it was very freeing! I have decided that it was to open and it made people uncomfortable. Also I don't know if he'd really appreciate these letters he doesn't want to read being in status rolls. Totally understandable. So I am going to take them off and post them up here and put the blog site in my info so if any of my close friends who enjoy cracking me open once in a while can come see!

Enjoy