Unsent Letters - First Revelation

Dear Brendan,

I really miss you today and I'm also really angry at you and myself as well. I was relieved and disappointed when Raven told me you weren't coming to the party...

Relieved because I can't handle seeing you yet, disappointed because that was your reason too. It amazes me the one thing you have ever been sure of in the course of our relationship is this breakup, how sure you have been with not wanting to be with me anymore. I have to remind myself how good this has been for both of us. I really needed to be alone, to not have to worry about you or take care of you or be angry or disappointed with you. I knew I could still love you though... but.. love could be related to a roach and survive through a holocaust of pain and emotional beatings. But whats the point of surviving that when everything else around you is dead. For us we were becoming dead inside, to ourselves.

I loved being with you. The first 6 months, as they are apt to be, were amazing, and filled with grins and touching. 

I learned a lot from being with you. I now know to be upfront about my responsibilities in my actions. I always told you how Bear is first and foremost but spending every free minute and night with you said otherwise, when I should have been at home. I set you up for disappointment in that way, men understand actions more then words.

I also learned to not only recognize red flags but to act on them. I don't want to take back the love we had but I wish I had followed through on my instincts. I kept worrying about how young you were, how this was your first relationship and how you were going to want to go sow your wild oats and party, and I was not the girl who could do that with you. I have a dependent, my partying, staying up late days are done, and I'm fine with that, it's the space I'm in now. My issue was I thought about these things often, I talked about them, but I didn't do anything about them... But maybe it was good I didn't so you and I could have this experience and make more informed decitions in the future.

I'm not going to lie, I miss you so bad sometimes, especially when I see a Volvo, that it hurts to swallow, and I long for you. Then I get incredibly pissed off and I start inching forward to crush the bumper of that stupid Volvo. I am sad because I remember the man who loved me and always promised he would, then I am angry because apparently that was all a lie and not just to me, to yourself because you can't even understand what your feelings are telling you.

For future reference if I ever find out you dumped a girl the way you dumped me I will come and sock you in the face for being such a god damn idiot. Being a young pup won't last forever, I hope you get your shit together so when it's over your not standing in a mess like your room on Thayer.

Now that we are no longer together, I believe both of us will get on track. I am trying my hardest to do just that. I know what I want and I am going for it, for myself, Bear and our future.

I can't see a future with anyone right now... I just don't trust you guys anymore. You always let me down... Some are forthcoming about it, others, like you Brendan, are ones you blindingly trust with everything you have... and they crush you. Don't worry I picked my self up with the help of my support group and brushed my self off. I am uncrushable now and I'll be damned if I ever let what happen to us happen again!

Sincerely,

Anna