Introduction

A sad tale...

Well not really. I'm sure it's in the top 5 reasons to start a blog. A breakup.

Our First and Only Valentines Day

My third relationship. His name was Brendan Stegmeier. He was a young pup, but oh was he fun. I could get him drunk off a shot and tickle him to death. He would start talking in a country voice that was so silly, and it suited his personality. I mean he raced tractors for goodness sakes. But he sure looked sexy doing it. He had the most amazing laugh, on our first date when I was really nervous, the moment he laughed it melted completely away and I joined in too. After a month I knew I loved him and he was the man for me.

Then as the months go by no surprise we start disliking the very things about each other we fell in love with in the first place. I started expecting Brendan to be someone he wasn't ready to be. I have a toddler from a previous relationship, a boy, named Bear. I wasn't expecting him to play daddy but I expected understanding and conscious planning with my busy schedule and a little guy to take care of. So you see that beautiful laugh, that carefree attitude, was what I fell in love with, but then it stopped working with the demands of my life. I love Brendan for who he is, I couldn't realize that until he left me and I could take the time to miss him and reflect back.

As you can probably tell I am not over him at all. I miss him everyday, several times a day. I love him with my whole heart and soul, but that is just the kind of lover that I am I suppose... 

He left me on November 15th this year. It's barely been over a month, and it's the holidays... that doesn't help one bit... I have felt this heavy sadness in my core ever since that day. I have been plagued with frequent nightmares involving trying to find him and never being able to. I wake up crying often. I never cry when I'm awake, unless I'm in therapy. I allow myself that.

I wanted to start a blog to help fall out of love with him and fall back in love with me. I want a healthy healing this time. My past relationships were really rough getting over, I was extremely destructive to myself and the people I care about. I already started by writing "Unsent Letters" on Facebook, at first I enjoyed that, it was very freeing! I have decided that it was to open and it made people uncomfortable. Also I don't know if he'd really appreciate these letters he doesn't want to read being in status rolls. Totally understandable. So I am going to take them off and post them up here and put the blog site in my info so if any of my close friends who enjoy cracking me open once in a while can come see!

Enjoy